Will I ever feel good enough? - The Story of Self-Worth.

Feeling like you will never be enough, measure up or catch up, has taken its toll on you and it seeps into every cell of your body.

What else are you supposed to do? How are you ever going to feel like you are or have done enough?

You are exhausted and you cannot imagine there is anything more you can do. You are not sleeping well, you feel sad or numb most of the time, you are withdrawing from friends and family, to be honest you are wondering if you have any friends or if you are completely alone.

You tried to fill the void with food/sugar, your phone, you snapped at your kids or partner, maybe you even lost it and now you are feeling even worse than before.

And you are convinced that it must be you. Then there’s the physical sensation of just wanting to disappear off this earth. The spiral is in full swing and it is bearing down on you.

Of course, you want it to stop, to go away, it feels bad. Shameful. Why can’t you just snap out of it? Even if you do snap out of it, do you deserve to feel good? Do you deserve your people?

If you could stop this hurtful cycle, you would. Trust me. You did not choose this. I also want you to know, change is so very possible.

But, this ‘not enough part' has been shaped over time. You were not born with it, no human is. You are no different.

So what is it doing there?

I want to be honest with you, a pervasive feeling of not being enough is telling us that you have experienced trauma in your life, relational trauma. Somehow you have been made to feel not worthwhile. Maybe it is big trauma, like abuse and/or violence, but most likely it is the trauma with no bruises that is showing itself in your not-enoughness.

It might be that no one heard you when you tried to speak, when you were sad or lonely, no one came, no one saw. Maybe you had to grow up quickly, because you had to take on too much responsibility. Perhaps you had to become really good at reading the mood in a room because you were scared of what would happen next. Maybe you were belittled, ridiculed or criticised.

Well, my dear, this is relational trauma and it questions our unconditional worth, constantly letting us know that we are not good enough.

When we start to deeply listen we can start connecting with our inherent worth, it is there just waiting for you to notice.

Wouldn’t that be sweet?

What are the causes of low self-worth?

Feeling like you are never enough essentially stems from a fragile sense of self-worth. It is relentless. It permeates everything. It seeps into every cell of your body, letting you know that you are not worthy of love and connections.

It is at the heart of your being, whether you feel that you are worthy of love and connection or not. 

Self-worth is the feeling that you are okay no matter what. 

Not because of what you have achieved, what you have succeeded or failed at. Self-worth doesn’t care how much money you have, what job you have, what people you know or how many followers you have, it is just there all the time, letting you know that you are lovable, worthy and safe.

When our self-worth was attacked or hurt, because of our experiences in life, like being ignored, criticised, belittled, ridiculed, and left alone (not limited to these experiences). 

When this happens we are left vulnerable and fending for ourselves. When this happens, your nervous system will do anything it can to protect you.

What does low self-worth feel like?

You might be hearing thoughts inside saying that you can’t do anything right, you might as well not be here, you are such an idiot, you just hurt people, no one wants you, don’t even try, you might as well give up, you have to do better, more, see you messed up again, look around you, you don’t have anyone, who cares and on and on.  

This voice or part, might take some breaks but it is quickly back letting you know what your place is. The pervasive feeling is that you will never measure up. There is nothing you can do about it.

This is your nervous system in full swing, trying to protect you. Misguided I know, but it wants to get ahead of the game, letting you know you are unworthy before someone else lets you know. It is well-meaning, but it hurts so very much.

You are working hard to not leak unworthiness. You are exhausted and you don’t know how long this can go on for. You have gotten so good at not being found out. You don’t want to feel this, and you need to shut it out. Numb it. And you do, until you can’t.

Mmm…beautiful avoidance.

Avoidance is another protective part that steps in to protect you from feeling unworthy. It tries to help you steer clear of situations that might expose your perceived inadequacies. This might mean avoiding social situations, challenges at work, or even intimate relationships. It might mean you try to please other people to that they won’t be displeased with you, or crack jokes, or just be really really nice. 

While avoidance might provide short-term relief, it ultimately limits your life and reinforces the belief that you're not capable or worthy.

Soothing with food.

You are tired and you need something good inside. Avoidance isn’t doing its job. Something to fill the emptiness or fix the exhaustion. Some wine, some sugar (mmm sweet sugar) and maybe you get stuck on social media, scrolling, hoping for some goodness that will take away how you feel inside. For some time, it feels a little better.

Again, a part of you is trying to protect you from overwhelm. In addition to feeling not good enough you now feel ashamed of eating and/or drinking. It is not softening how you feel about yourself, instead, it seems to make things worse. Now you notice that you have a body, and oh god, you don’t go easy on your body.

Am I defective? Is there something wrong with me?

Inside you feel this dark mist descending revealing what feels like a void, where it feels like nothingness, numb and heavy. If you were to put words to it you might be feeling shame that you are you and you are starting to feel that desperation that there is something defective about you. 

Something that cannot be fixed and it will be like this forever. Fundamentally flawed. Your nervous system is sensing absolute terror. This feels unsafe for you, but you have been here many times.

Your heart is filled with sadness, or just blocked. Or just a whole bunch of anxiety cursing through your veins. 

You might feel disconnected and far away. You feel small and helpless. Most likely your body has gone into functional freeze. You might look like you are okay, but it feels like you are not there, you have left, and if you tune into your body it might feel frozen. Your belly is tight and your back is stiff. It is hard to do anything. Certainly not caring for yourself, feeding yourself, treating yourself kindly and caring is hard at this point.

Trust me, this is not your choice this is a protection your body is offering you to not overwhelm you.

Loneliness.

To protect us, our nervous system often disrupts our ability to find comfort and connection with others. 

Since we feel so bad and wrong, we are unlikely to want anyone to see or we feel that no one could possibly understand or want to be with us when we feel like this.Of course all we need is warmth and comfort of human connection.

Feeling like no one wants to listen can deepen the sense of isolation and helplessness that comes with low self-worth. 

This perception often stems from past experiences where attempts to share feelings were met with indifference or dismissal. As a result, you might start believing that your feelings are unworthy of attention, reinforcing the cycle of silence and loneliness.

Long-term effects of low-self worth.

Low self-worth can manifest as chronic mental health issues such as burnout, depression and anxiety. You might feel a persistent sadness or hopelessness (depression) or a constant state of worry and fear (anxiety). Burnout can occur when you're trying to compensate for feelings of inadequacy by overworking yourself, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion. There’s a lot more to say about this another time.

Where does low self-worth come from?

Attachment

Early attachment experiences significantly shape our sense of self-worth. If caregivers are responsive and attuned, children develop healthy self-worth. However, inconsistent, neglectful, or abusive caregiving can lead to deep feelings of worthlessness. For example, a child whose emotional needs are ignored might grow up believing they don't deserve attention or care. 

Intergenerational Cycles

Low self-worth often travels through generations. If parents or caregivers struggle with their own self-worth or an inflated sense of worth and importance, they may pass these feelings on to their children. A parent who feels inadequate may, for instance, inadvertently convey to their child that they are not good enough, perpetuating a cycle of unworthiness. 

Cultural Influences

Cultural norms and societal standards can heavily impact self-worth. Living in a society that prioritises certain traits or achievements can make individuals feel inadequate if they don't meet those standards. For instance, someone from a marginalised group might feel undervalued due to systemic discrimination, which further erodes self-worth.

Genetic Predispositions

While our environment plays a significant role, genetic factors can also predispose us to lower self-worth. Research in epigenetics shows that our genes and environment interact in complex ways. For instance, studies by Tronick reveal that a baby starts tracking the mother’s emotional states as early as three months into pregnancy. This early connection can influence a child's development. Additionally, we all come into the world with unique temperaments and neurophysiological networks, which can make some individuals more susceptible to internalising negative experiences and feeling less worthy. What is particularly important is how our caregiver meets us and gets to know who we are, not what they want us to be.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

Adverse Childhood Experiences, such as abuse, neglect, or witnessing violence, can deeply affect self-worth. These traumatic events teach children that they are not safe or valued, leading to lasting feelings of inadequacy. A child who witnesses domestic violence, for example, might internalise a belief that they are unworthy of a peaceful, loving environment.

How can I heal my self-worth/self-esteem?

The journey to self-worth is possible, for me, it has taken some time, some years. There are no quick fixes. I wish I could tell you there was a program to follow and then it would fix it, but it is a journey of getting close to your heart, noticing your desire to avoid, to not feel and honour it, and then kindly ask it to step aside so that you can tend to that little vulnerable child inside. That part of you that was so hurt, so long ago. 

You needed unconditional love, compassion, non-judgement, delight and connection. You needed to be safe to be you. The process of staring to feel good enough, is to start tending to that little child inside of you that is still longing for love and connection.

Non-judgement & Compassion.

When we feel unworthy, we need to be met with compassion. So many self-help books give you exercises in compassion and while they might be helpful, often we don’t know how to be compassionate to ourselves and most of the time, we don’t think we deserve it. 

So often we need to be shown this, when we are the most vulnerable we need to be met with love. I remember one time with a yoga teacher saw that something difficult was touched inside of me, she didn’t know what, but she stayed with me looking me in the eyes and just said ‘I just see beauty’. 

What mattered to me was that she stayed for a long time with me after the session, just being with me, seeing beauty. That was one of many healing moments for me, where I was seen, not judged and held with love.

Co-Regulation and Connections

Another reason we need others is that we have a fundamental and biological need to be in safe connections with others, it is how our nervous system works. We also need others for‘co-regulation’. 

That is when another person can be present with us, tuning into what is happening for us and with that helping us stay in emotional balance, or regulated. Without this, we become overwhelmed and this is when we start doing difficult things to create harmony, like eating, drinking, saying things, working out too much or just hiding away.

I used to hate knowing this because I did not want to need anyone, because, of course, for me, people were disappointing and hurtful. I needed to protect myself from them. When I started to feel safe enough to let others in, this is when the juicy healing started to happen. I needed to start with therapy and involving myself in safe and compassionate communities. Slowly, slowly.

Understanding your inner Community

Another layer of healing is to get to know your internal world or what we call your inner community of parts. Your inner community consists of different parts of yourself, each with its own voice and needs. Like we talked about above, the inner critic, the inner vulnerable child, the avoider, over-eater, the joker, the over-compensator and also your true sense of self. 

Understanding and healing these parts can help you reconnect with your sense of self, reducing the need for the not-enough part. Recognise that while one part of you might feel inadequate, other parts can offer strength and support.

Patience will be called upon in your journey to towards self-worth, journeying towards your heart is often a bumpy, but you don’t have to do alone. Know that the work that you do to fall in love with yourself will ripple for generations to come, it is for you, but by beginning this emotional warrior path you are paving the way for others too. 

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