My Anxiety Creeps Inside of Me.

You know that niggling anxiety that comes creeping in when you are just standing there peeling an egg (pick any mundane everyday activity).

It’s morning, and things are pretty good in your fine life. Then there is a niggle, not a punch to the gut this time, but a niggle. The feeling sort of creeps into every part of your cells, and all of a sudden you lose connection with yourself, your body, and you take that extra deep breath to try to regain contact, but it's too late.

Anxiety has swept you away, and your mind is racing. What is this? Why is this? Why can’t you just enjoy your breakfast? You feel overwhelmed. There is no reason for you to feel this way. I mean, there are the kids, work, general horribleness in the world, climate change, having lived through a pandemic, constant social media, and, oh yes, maybe something about loneliness and emptiness from your early years, but this morning nothing has happened to make you feel anxious.

So, why can't you just get to peel your egg in peace?

Anxiety is another word for fear, some part of you is scared, feeling unsafe. You look around. Why would you be unsafe? You are safe, house, kids, job, and relationships. You think there must be something wrong with you. Ah!

You have an urge to just get rid of the feeling, and you get a bit sharp with your people. You just want to be left alone in this state of fear. Now you feel bad because you snapped. Can’t the feeling just go away? You do some breathing exercises you have learned, chuck in a bit of mindfulness, and for a moment, there is a break in the fear, a bit of lightness.

Then it is back. Your mind is blank and racing at the same time. You want to run away from it, but shit, there you are. Your sympathetic nervous system is ready for any threat coming your way. But what threat? Pumped with adrenaline and cortisol, you are peeling your egg, ready to run away from it or punch your way out of it.

That’s a lot to contain in your body before breakfast time.

At the same time, there is a tensing in your body that holds you still. You are functioning, getting on with life, but there is a tight hold of your spine and your gut. It won’t let you out of its sight. Frozen, it is making your breath shallow. Your energy is being drained. You are withdrawing inwards. You might even decide that maybe the shower can wait for tomorrow. It’s not a day for the gym. Maybe you are too unwell for work too. If this part got to have its way, you wouldn’t move off that chair, but you are you, and you get up, functioning in a haze, wondering what the point of it all is.

Is this living, you wonder?

Maybe a third cup of coffee will do it. You know this is a bad idea, but you need something to soothe what is happening inside because it is intolerable. Of course, just like you knew it made things just a little bit worse. It increased your breathing and heart rate, sped up your thoughts, and increased your physical energy. Oh sweet caffeine. Hmmm… you already had excess energy from the fear. Now you are a nuclear power station.

Now what? You are still just peeling that egg.

Well, this could all spiral into a shit-show of self-loathing, a desperate search for someone to soothe you because, let's face it, there is a part of you, a little child part of you, that never had that. You didn’t have someone with you in painful and overwhelming feelings. You were left alone in it, told to quiet down, that you were sensitive or too much.

You felt intensely then, and no one came to you, soothing or comforting you. So, another part of you shut it all down, shoved it all into the shadows, hiding away this undesirable feeling little child, but of course, she never left, she was always there, waiting, hoping someone would see her, pick her up, and comfort her, love her. She knows emotionally unsafe well.

So, today when your beautiful grown-up self is peeling an egg, and some anxiety, wakes this little unsafe girl, she feels strongly. Every part of her vibrates, warning you, it is unsafe. She doesn’t know that you are now a grown-up and that life is pretty good, safe enough. This deeply painful implicit memory is lit up, letting you know there is danger, no one will come for you when you are feeling intense feelings. It is like an undercover network communicating that protection is of the utmost importance.

Almost like time travel, it sucks you back into another time when you could not fend for yourself. You feel small, helpless, overwhelmed, and so very lonely. Another part that has protected you all these years takes over, gets angry, frustrated, tells you to pull yourself together, what the fuck is wrong with you. This beautiful, somewhat misinformed protector had to take over so many years ago, shutting you down, and now it is terrified that you are feeling shit. Shut it down, it screams.

And this is all while peeling an egg.

But you know now, you have done your work. In all that mess, you can drop in and get curious. You know how to go to that little girl inside, changing your inner dialogue. It still feels strongly, but there is a little space for your wise healthy part that wonders, “hmmm…yikes, what is going on for you?” You know now that this is something that is happening inside of you but isn’t in charge of you.

So you have a little chat, you check in with the pushy and, to be honest, pretty harsh protector, “I get you, thank you for looking out for me, but I need you to take a step back, so I can tend to our little child inside”, your protector has had a damned important job keeping you alive all these years, so it’s not just backing away that easily, it might hold tight, but it’s learned to trust you now, so it gives you the benefit of the doubt. You say firmly, but compassionately “I need you to not overwhelm me, so I can soothe this little one, I mean no harm, I come in peace.” It steps aside long enough for you to pick up your inner little child and say “I got you, I see you and will stay with you today.” Your entire body softens.

You feel the softness radiating through your body, and it is as if your gaze lifts, and you can see more, there are more colors. Your thoughts slow down, and you are able to feel your body again. You feel tired because you have just been through terror. You can still feel some residue in your body, some tension in your jaw or how your shoulder shut up without you noticing. Another part of you comes in and feels pretty sorry for you. Why did you have to go through this? Maybe you just need to have no demands on you today, just drop everything.

But you know now that this is not going to help you in the long run. You realise there are things you need to tend to; this fear cycle was communicating that something needs attention, but you are not sure what. You can try to think your way to it, but there are no answers right now, and you are unsure if you can trust the answers that come.

So you know what you have to do, you need to move your body. For you, it’s some intense exercise, probably in a CrossFit class; for others, it might be something else, nature walk, swim or just a dance in the living room, because you know how hard it is to just be still with all this energy in your nervous system. You used to have a love-hate relationship with this kind of movement. You hated not being strong and good at it and at the same time you so wanted to be. So, the shame of being a beginner made you not start, avoiding it altogether. The thing is, movement is fundamental to your well-being. Movement is one piece of your medicine. It shifts your state like magic.

These days, you have practiced staying close to your body and your emotions; you can tolerate being in connection with discomfort, noticing when you are trying to leave it. You can bring a sense of curiosity to discomfort, leaving a little gap for your wise self to support you, so you can stay. You no longer need to leave."

Maybe you are reading this, and you are not there yet. I want you to know that you are okay and you are welcome how ever you are able to show up. I NEED you to know, that you are not alone and that you can also heal and shift. There is a path into your heart that only you can travel, but you don’t have to travel alone. 

With so much care and in community,

Louise